


Moments Like Snapshots

by Im_The_Doctor (Bofur1)



Category: Video Blogging RPF, Youtube RPF
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Banter, Drabble Collection, Drunken Shenanigans, Fluff and Humor, Incorrect Quotes, Mid-Canon, Multi, Multiple Selves, Screenplay/Script Format, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-05-18 10:48:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 82
Words: 4,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14851299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bofur1/pseuds/Im_The_Doctor
Summary: The Egos have had quite a few interesting conversations that no one else has been party to. Here, their wittiest quips, drunken shenanigans, and heartfelt moments are going to be exposed.(Alternative title: I felt like creating a collection of my Incorrect Egos Quotes; there's angst, fluff, humor, and everything in between. Maybe you'll crack a smile at them ^^)





	1. Chapter 1

**The Egos, sitting at the conference table and watching Mark cause chaos in his fandom:**

**Dark, unimpressed** : He realizes that all he’s doing is revealing how loyal his fans are to me, right?

 **Wilford, chuckling** : Yeah, they all know it’s just a joke, right? None of us have actually died!

 **Silver Shepherd, determinedly** : Egos never say “die”!

 **Dr. Iplier** : Except me. I actually say that a  _lot_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Yandere** : A good friend will help you move, but a  _best_ friend will help you move a dead body!

 **Bim** : …

 **Yandere** : *smiles brightly*

 **Bim** : I’ll go turn on the grill.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chase, at his birthday party** : I…I know I should be happy today, but…I just can’t help but think about everything that’s happened and everything that  _could_ happen, everything I’m dreading –

 **Bing** : C’mon, bro, forget the past! It’s not like you can change it!

 **Jackieboy** : And forget the future! You can’t predict it.

 **Anti** : A̵n͜d f͡org̸e͏t ͝th̨e p͘rese̵nt̷, be̵cau͢se I d̴i̷dn’t g̴e͢t you͏ ͘o̢ne͏.


	4. Chapter 4

**William** : Celine, what were you doing just now?

 **Celine, striding calmly into the room** : I was demonstrating my love for my brother.

 **William** : Aww, what did you do?

 **Damien, following Celine and covering his eye with one hand** : She threw a book at me!


	5. Chapter 5

**Wilford** : I don’t go crazy; I’m already crazy. I just go  _normal_ from time to time!

 **Dark, Google, The Host, Bim, and Yandere** : That’s never happened.

 **Wilford, throwing up his hands** : Well, whaddaya expect, a miracle?! Leave me alone!


	6. Chapter 6

**Marvin** : Chase, what in the world were you thinking?!

 **Chase** : That I didn’t want to live without Stacy.

 **Marvin** : But what would we do without you? What would we do if you  _had_ died?!

 **Chase** : Hopefully you’d bury me somewhere with a free WiFi hotspot, so people would visit more often.

 **Marvin** : 

 **Marvin** :

 **Marvin** : I would’ve have had you cremated.


	7. Chapter 7

**Bing, introducing Chase to the other Egos for the first time** : So, dude, this is Dark, Wilford, and the King of the Squirrels. They were the first three Ipliers!

 **Dark, folding his hands seriously behind his back** : I am the eldest. I make the rules.

 **Wilford, twirling his gun and grinning** : I’m in the middle! I’m the reason we  _have_ rules!

 **King of the Squirrels, sucking peanut butter off his fingers** : I’m the younger one. Rules don’t apply to me.


	8. Chapter 8

**Jackieboy Man** : Always speak the truth, even if your voice shakes.

 **Chase, voice trembling with emotion** : I…I was the one w-who put the empty cereal box back in the c-cupboard.

 **Jackieboy Man** : Don’t lie to me. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Chase, filming a vlog** : Okay, everybody, this one’s called –

**[Bing bursts into the room]**

**Bing** : BRO! I’M HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS!

 **Chase** : Wait, what? Why?!

 **Bing, clearly panicking** : If – if I call you one of my “peeps”, am I calling you one of my  _people_ or am I calling you a  _soft marshmallow chick?!_

 **Chase** :

 **Chase, slightly amazed** : …Holy crap…


	10. Chapter 10

**[Jackieboy and Marvin texting back and forth]**

**Jackieboy** : Heyy bddy!!! :D  How r u? R u getting rdy for ur show? I hope ur hvn fun!!!!! 

 **Marvin** : Jackie. No. Stop. Just because you got texting doesn’t mean you’re allowed to stop spelling like a human being.

 **Jackieboy** : Idk wht u mean, Mrv???? 

 **Marvin** : I’m going to make a dictionary apparate out of thin air and smack you with it. SPELL THINGS OUT.

 **Jackieboy** : T-H-I-N-G-S  O-U-T…. K? R u happy???

 **Marvin** : -_-


	11. Chapter 11

**Stacy** : Marvin, for Chase’s sake, we should really try to get along. I’m done getting into stupid debates with you.

 **Marvin, without glancing up from his book** : Oh, really? That’s very interesting. Tell me more about how our new relationship would work.

 **Stacy** : You know what? Never mind! Ugh, I despise you!

 **Marvin** : I’ve been told worse.

 **Stacy** : Like what?

 **Marvin** : Chase told me once that I was your brother-in-law.


	12. Chapter 12

**Dark** : If we’re going to forge an alliance, DIEpie, do tell…what drives you? 

 **Wilford** : Yeah, what’s your shtick? 

 **PewDIEpie** : Ehh…I liked birth. I like death. It’s just everything in between that’s the problem.

 **Wilford** : Can I suggest – [whips out a light-up wand] – ✨ _ **BUBBLES?**_ ✨


	13. Chapter 13

[When Reporter Jim wakes up first]

 **Reporter Jim** : Hey, bro, I’m going to work.

 **Cameraman Jim** : Mmm. M’kay, be safe. Join you soon, love you, bro…

 

[When Cameraman Jim wakes up first]

 **Cameraman Jim** : Hey…just wanted you to know I’m going to work.

 **Reporter Jim** : Hbhuhghh?


	14. Chapter 14

**Dr. Iplier** : Dark, I’ve never said this to anyone before, but I honestly  _hope_ you’re dying.

 **Dark** : If I wanted to die, I would simply climb your ego and then jump to your IQ. It’s a long way down.

 **Dr. Iplier, pulling out a scalpel** : I’ll spare you the trouble and put you a long way down to start with –


	15. Chapter 15

**[Chase and Marvin texting back and forth]**

**Chase** : Marv, can you watch the kids the day after tomorrow? I’m supposed to go to a concert.

 **Marvin** : Why do you always get to do awesome things?

 **Chase** : I have friends, they have connections :)

 **Marvin** : Huh. I need those…Note to self: Get Friends.

 **Chase** : …Dude :(

 **Chase** : I thought I was your friend :(((

 **Marvin** : WAIT NO THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT


	16. Chapter 16

[Chase and Bing riding their skateboards up and down the block]

 **Jameson** : **Golly, this looks fun! Can I have a crack at it, good sirs?**

 **Chase** : No, absolutely not! You’re a klutz, JJ; you’ll fall!

 **Bing** : Aw, c’mon, bro, what’s the worst that can happen?

 **Chase** : DEATH. Death’s the worst that can happen.

 **Bing** : ‘Kay, then I’ll let him use mine!

 **Jameson** : *hops up, moves forward three inches* **LOOK HOW FAST I’M GOING!**

 **Jameson** : *slips, faceplants, dies*

 **Bing** : CHASE! WHY’D YOU EVER LET HIM GET ON THAT BOARD?!


	17. Chapter 17

**Dr. Iplier** : I’ve lost any and all understanding of how Wilford thinks.

 **Dark** : Care to explain, doctor?

 **Dr. Iplier** : On the walk back from our shopping trip, I noticed a bird lying in the road. I said, “Look, a dead bird.” What do you think he did?

 **Dark** : I have a feeling I’ll regret asking. What?

 **Dr. Iplier** : He looks  _up into the sky_  and says, “WHERE?!”

 **Dark** : …

 **Dark** : Give me some pain reliever. I feel a headache coming on.


	18. Chapter 18

**[Bing and Chase texting back and forth]**

**Chase** : Hey, dude, you wanna hang out today?

 **Bing** : Can’t, I’m at the mall with my new gf <3 She’s so hoooot!

 **Chase** : Oh, that’s so cool!! 

 **Bing** : IKR?! <3

 **Chase** : Now the truth?

 **Bing** : Been following this hot girl who works at the mall for about twenty minutes……She just called security.

 **Chase** : Thought so. Once you escape, come on over and we can hang!

 **Bing** : K


	19. Chapter 19

**[Yandere and Bim texting back and forth]**

**Bim** : Yan, please call me in five and say you need me to come and get you

 **Yandere** : Level 1 or Level 10 emergency?

 **Bim** : Level 10, get me outta here ;_;

 **Yandere** : Okay, I’ll start crying for you so be sure to put me on speaker <3


	20. Chapter 20

**Marvin** : You know what sucks?

 **Jackieboy** : Vacuums!

 **Marvin** : You know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?

 **Jackieboy** : Black holes!

 **Marvin** : You know what just…isn’t cool?

 **Jackieboy** : Lava!

 **Marvin** : Jackie.

 **Jackieboy** :

 **Jackieboy, looking offended** : Marvin! Are you saying  _I’m_ not cool?


	21. Chapter 21

**Wilford** : Hey! Hey, Dark! Knock-knock!

 **Dark, already massaging his forehead** : Who’s there?

 **Wilford** : Daisy.

 **Dark** : Daisy who?

 **Wilford** :  _DAISY ME ROLLIN’, THEY HATIN’!_

 **Dark** : [sighs] Wilford, we can’t be seen together anymore.

 **Bing** : WE CAN BE SEEN TOGETHER AS OFTEN AS YOU WANT BECAUSE THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL – 


	22. Chapter 22

**[Jackieboy and Schneep texting back and forth]**

**Jackieboy** : How’s work?

 **Schneep** : Terrible, I want to stab everyone here ;_;

 **Jackieboy** : Okay, just don’t get blood on your fresh change of clothes

 **Schneep** : 

 **Schneep** : Jackie?

 **Schneep** : You are the hero?? You shouldn’t be condoning this???

 **Jackieboy** : Don’t tell me how to live my life


	23. Chapter 23

**Wilford, frantic and out of breath** : Google! Google, come quick!

 **Google** : What’s the matter?

 **Wilford** : I’ve got a LIFE OR DEATH question for you!

 **Google** : What is it? Tell me!

 **Wilford** : WHERE IN TIME IS CARMEN SANDIEGO?

 **Google** : …I refuse to answer that question.

 **The Jims, bursting into the room** : Not to worry!

 **Google** :  _No_ – 

 **The Jims** : WE’RE ON THE CASE AND WE’RE CHASIN’ HER THROUGH HISTORY


	24. Chapter 24

**Chase** : Dude, why is there a crack in my phone?

 **Bing** : Well, last night, while you were drinking, you were throwing your phone all over the place…

 **Chase, startled** : Why?

 **Bing** : You put it in airplane mode, threw it and kept yellin’ at it to transform.


	25. Chapter 25

**[Reporter Jim texting his soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend]**

**Reporter Jim** : How could you? I trusted you, I LOVED YOU and you CHEATED on me!

 **Reporter Jim** : Oh wait, sorry bro, that was meant for someone else, I texted the wrong Jim

 **Cameraman Jim** : No problem. 

 **Cameraman Jim** : On a completely unrelated topic, I know a really good story to cover next! There’s gonna be a murder :D


	26. Chapter 26

**[Schneep and Chase texting back and forth]**

**Schneep** : Chase, what is a ‘bucket list’? Jackie said earlier that he wanted to make this bucket list???

 **Chase** : Oh, making a bucket list is easy!

 **Chase** : 1) Bucket, 2) bucket, 3) BuCket, 4) BUCKET, 5) buuuuucket

 **Chase** : There you go :3

 **Chase** : Hey

 **Chase** : You there?

 **Chase** : Doc??

 **Schneep** : Jackie’s banging his head against the doorframe…

 **Schneep** : He says you’re a complete moron but he still loves you

 **Chase** : Okay XD


	27. Chapter 27

**[Silver Shepherd and Roxanne texting back and forth]**

**Roxanne** : Missing you, baby

 **Shepherd** : Miss you too <3 Send me a picture of you? 

 **Shepherd** : And take it off this time

 **Roxanne** : Take what off?

 **Shepherd** : The makeup. You’re perfect without it <3

 **Roxanne** : OML 

 **Roxanne** : Well I guess my tears are taking the makeup off whether I want it or not…


	28. Chapter 28

**Bing** : Humans, am I right?

 **Google** : What about them?

 **Bing** : Your faith needs to be restored in them.

 **Google** : Why would you assume that?

 **Bing** : I just sent you 100 pictures of kids hugging puppies, that should do the trick!

 **Google** : YOU’RE GOING TO CLOG UP MY DRIVES – 

 **Bing** : You’re welcome :D


	29. Chapter 29

**[Henrik and his wife texting back and forth, post-breakup]**

**Schneep** : Are you up?

 **Maire** : We haven’t talked in months, why are you texting me?

 **Schneep** : I miss you

 **Schneep** : And it’s cold

 **Schneep** : I wish you were here with me :(

 **Maire** : Trust me, if I were there I would warm you right up…by setting you on fire. Goodnight.


	30. Chapter 30

**[Marvin and Schneep texting back and forth]**

**Marvin** : Chase, don’t tell Schneep but I took Robbie to the park. I was playing catch with him…

 **Marvin** : Then I hit him with the ball on accident and his head came off

 **Schneep** : Look who you’re texting

 **Marvin** : Oh…

 **Schneep** : Get home now

 **Marvin** : April Fools!

 **Schneep** : It’s still March. Get. Home. Now.

 **Marvin** : …March Fools?

 **Schneep** : HOME! NOW!!


	31. Chapter 31

**Bim** : So… Yan, I know you only have eyes for your sempai, but I’ve been on the lookout for you in case you wanted more options.

 **Yandere** : What do you mean?

 **Bim** : I bumped into a girl at the coffee shop the other day! Yale, lawyer… I showed her your Facebook picture and she said you were cute, so I gave her your number.

 **Yandere** : Bim! You can’t just give my number to random strangers!

 **Bim** : YALE!


	32. Chapter 32

**[Henrik and his wife texting back and forth, post-breakup]**

**Schneep** : I miss you

 **Maire** : How many times do I have to tell you? You need to move on, just forget about it. I’m with Rick now

 **Schneep** : How am I supposed to forget you and Rick when I go outside and see things that remind me of both of you?

 **Schneep** : Like garbage cans

 **Schneep** : And dog poop

 **Maire** : I hate you

 **Schneep** : Now you can look at those things and you’ll be thinking of me, just like I’ll be thinking of you :)


	33. Chapter 33

**[Chase and Marvin texting back and forth]**

**Marvin** : Hey Chase, whatcha up to? Remember your curfew?

 **Chase** : Lol, yes, I’m going to sleep now. You?

 **Marvin** : In the club standing behind you. 

 **Chase** : …

 **Marvin** : Do you remember your curfew now?


	34. Chapter 34

**[Marvin and Stacy texting back and forth]**

**Marvin** : Stacy, Chase’s phone is dead so he wanted me to give you a message

 **Stacy** : Okay?

 **Marvin** : Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you

 **Stacy** : Awww <3

 **Marvin** : P.S. The roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head

 **Stacy** : …

 **Marvin** : :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just say that Marvin and Stacy despised each other from the start and it's not going to change any time soon...


	35. Chapter 35

**Schneep** : Chase, I have noticed you are a little down lately, so I want to get you a gift!

 **Chase** : [perks up] Really? You mean that?

 **Schneep** : Yes! Tell me whatever you want!

 **Chase** : It might be a little expensive, but I know it’d be something from your heart if you actually got it just to cheer me up! 

 **Schneep** : Okay, do tell!

 **Chase** : Well…I’d really love a tablet.

 **Schneep** : Oh, of course I’ll get one for you! Which one? Vitamin C?


	36. Chapter 36

**Jackie** : Marv, you’re such a stick in the mud about romance. You should go out and try to find somebody! Find some love!

 **Marvin** : I have a girlfriend.

 **Jackie** : Wait,  _what?_  Where’s she from?!

 **Marvin** : She’s from a different nation.

 **Jackie** : Really? Which – ?

 **Marvin** : My  _imagination_ …


	37. Chapter 37

**[Chase and Stacy texting back and forth]**

**Chase** : Are you ever going to talk to me again?

 **Stacy** : We’re talking now

 **Chase** : I’d rather talk in person….

 **Stacy** : Fine, I’ll meet you in the Blockbusters parking lot

 **Chase** : Really, you will?

 **Chase** : Wait

 **Chase** : Blockbusters isn’t a thing anymore?

 **Stacy** : Exactly


	38. Chapter 38

**[Jackieboy and Jameson texting back and forth]**

**Jameson** : My good sir… Could I ask where you are, if you please?

 **Jackie** : I’m just heading back from the store

 **Jameson** : Jackieboy…

 **Jackie** : ???

 **Jameson** : You took me shopping with you

 **Jackie** : I’M TURNING AROUND NOW, I’M SO SORRY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jackieboy! You're not supposed to text and drive!


	39. Chapter 39

**[Bing and Chase texting back and forth]**

**Bing** : Hey bro, do you have Anxiety Prime?

 **Bing** : *Amazon, sorry

 **Chase** : No problem, I have both.


	40. Chapter 40

**Bing, tearfully** : Google, why are you so mean?

 **Google** : I’m a little mean to people who are dumb.  _Most_ people are dumb. 

 **Bing** : So why’re you mean to  _me?!_

 **Google** : Because you’re dumb enough for most people.


	41. Chapter 41

**Marvin** : Okay, I’m going to ask you nicely, Stacy: let Chase see the kids on his birthday next week.

 **Stacy** : [sighs] Fine, maybe I will.

 **Marvin** : You’re lying.

 **Stacy** : Oh, really? How do you know that?

 **Marvin** : You’re moving your lips.


	42. Chapter 42

**Chase** : [smiles a little]

 **Marvin** : What’re you doing?

 **Chase** : Reveling in my ability to make anything that sounds funny sad :)

 **Marvin** : …

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on an actual conversation I had, I was Chase ^^"


	43. Chapter 43

**[Bim meeting Yandere for the first time]**

**Yandere** : Do you think the others will like me?

 **Bim** : [glances over at Dark, Wilford, the King of the Squirrels, the Host, Dr. Iplier, Silver Shepherd and Google]

 **Bim** : You’ll be fine, you come from a strong line of lunatics.


	44. Chapter 44

**Jackieboy** : Henrik, I saw that paperwork you had to sign asked for your relationship status. Did you and Maire ever legally divorce?

 **Schneep** : No.

 **Jackieboy** : So…how did you answer the question?

 **Schneep** : Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.


	45. Chapter 45

**[Bing and Chase texting back and forth]**

**Bing** : Hey, did you hear? My bro Dr. Iplier is in court right now so he can’t do my maintenance! :/

 **Chase** : And I have a broken leg so I can’t shoot my vlog. Both our days suck :(

 **Bing** : He hit someone with his car on accident, don’t know who. How’d you break your leg? 

 **Chase** : Someone hit me with their car

 **Bing** : …

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, Chase...It was only a hit-and-run because he assumed you died on scene! Hope you understand...


	46. Chapter 46

**Bing, crawling on the ground and groaning in pain** : Google…

 **Google** : What happened to you?

 **Bing** : My s-skateboard trick went wrong… C-Can you call me an ambulance…?

 **Google** : Hmm.

 **Bing** : P-Please…

 **Google, slowly smirking** : Fine. From now on I’ll call you “An Ambulance”. I’ll even change your contact ID in my database! Sound good?

 **Bing** : Never mind…just let me die.


	47. Chapter 47

**Google, meeting Bing for the first time** : Okay, Bing, what is it that you’re supposed to do?

 **Bing** : Eat crap and die, dude.

 **Google, calmly** : I’m pretty sure that’s not it.


	48. Chapter 48

**[Marvin and Schneep texting back and forth]**

**Marvin** : Hey Schneep, I just had the most amazing day!

 **Schneep** : Really, why?

 **Marvin** : I just ran into your ex! :D

 **Schneep** : …Why is that amazing?

 **Marvin** : With my Uber! :D

 **Schneep** : MARVIN NO!

 **Marvin** : Alright fine, I didn’t, but if I had the chance…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really do need to write something about Marvin vs. The Ex-Wives sooner or later...


	49. Chapter 49

**[Wilford arguing with Dark]**

**Wilford** : Well, I – I hope you get eaten by a shark!

 **Dark, laughing** : Wilford, as if –

 **Wilford** : I hope you step on a Lego!!

 **Dark** : …Don’t you dare say that. Ever again.


	50. Chapter 50

**Wilford** : My whole life can be summed up in one sentence: Things didn’t go according to plan.

 **Dark** : Well, that’s no surprise, Wilford;  _you_ created the plan.


	51. Chapter 51

**Chase’s son** : Dad, did you know that in some countries men don’t know their wives until they get married?! 

 **Chase, smiling forcibly** : Actually it’s like that in  _every_ country, son!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy...Father's Day?


	52. Chapter 52

**[Jackieboy and Chase texting back and forth]**

**Jackieboy** : Chase, I’m sorry

 **Jackieboy** : Please talk to me

 **Jackieboy** : Buddy?

 **Jackieboy** : Pal?

 **Jackieboy** : Favorite sidekick?

 **Jackieboy** : Son to me, too pure and good for this world?

 **Chase** : Sorry doesn’t bring back my Smarties, Jackieboy >:(


	53. Chapter 53

**Chase, glumly** : I think I’m just like a penny.

 **Jameson** : [signing] Oh? How so?

 **Chase** : Well, basically, I’m not worth much.

 **Jameson** : [signing violently] You know what?! I agree! You  _are_ just like a penny! 

 **Jameson** : You shine, you’re unspoiled, you have multiple sides, you’re always there, you help in small but meaningful ways and you bring the best of luck!

 **Chase, weeping** : That’s it, I’m adopting you <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now a _happier_ Happy Father's Day!  <3


	54. Chapter 54

**Chase** : [bursts into the lab] Doc, we’ve got a problem –

 **Schneep** :  _No_. I am existing on  _coffee fumes_  right now. Bring up this problem tomorrow!

 **Chase** : That’s the problem… We’re out of coffee.

 **Schneep** : 

 **Schneep** : Guess I’ll die.


	55. Chapter 55

**Bim** : Google, Bing, can either of you give me the answer to this math problem?

 **Bing** : THREE!

 **Google** : It’s 10,000.

 **Bing** : 

 **Bing** : Well, I like to err on the side of caution!


	56. Chapter 56

**Schneep** : Chase, you look tired. Did you not sleep well?

 **Chase** : Well, doc, sometimes I lay awake at night and I ask myself, “Where have I gone wrong?”

 **Schneep** : …

 **Chase** : Then a voice comes to me and it says, “This is going to take more than one night.”


	57. Chapter 57

**[Chase and Stacy texting back and forth]**

**Chase** : Baby, I’m right outside

 **Stacy** : I didn’t invite you over, Chase

 **Chase** : …

 **Chase** : So anyway, I’m outside


	58. Chapter 58

**Judge** : How do you plead?

 **Wilford** : [glances at Dark]

 **Dark** : [mouthing]  _Not guilty_.

 **Wilford** : Hot milky! :D


	59. Chapter 59

**[Dr. Iplier and Wilford texting back and forth]**

**Dr. Iplier** : Why aren’t you answering my texts?

 **Wilford** : I dropped my phone and I can’t find it!!! I’ll text you when I do

 **Dr. Iplier** : …

 **Dr. Iplier** : I have a feeling I’ll be waiting a while -_-


	60. Chapter 60

**Dr. Iplier** : So you’re having shoulder pain, hmm?

 **Dr. Iplier** : [reading from his medical journal] “ _In cases of shoulder pain, the doctor should perform a detailed and sympathetic assessment of the patient’s medical history. Remember: the doctor should be sympathetic_.”

 **Dr. Iplier** : …Where does it hurt, crybaby?


	61. Chapter 61

**[Wilford and Google texting back and forth]**

**Wilford** : Tell me a joke! 

 **Google** : No. You wouldn’t understand it.

 **Wilford** : OH SURE! BECAUSE YOU’RE SO SMART AND I’M SO DUMB!! OKAY GOOGLE, TELL ME A JOKE!!! (Does that work through text???)

 **Google** : Knock knock.

 **Wilford** : Hey, you didn’t tell me you were coming over! I’ll be right there!


	62. Chapter 62

**King of the Squirrels** : Congratulations! I just heard you got a six-figure offer for your next book!

 **The Author** : Oh, that.

 **King of the Squirrels** : Can I ask how much it was?

 **The Author** : 000,000!


	63. Chapter 63

**Dr. Iplier** : [eating ice cream]

 **Wilford** : [stares intently]

 **Dr. Iplier** : Wilford, I’m not giving you my ice cream! You ate half the carton this morning!

 **Wilford** : [stares more intensely]

 **Dr. Iplier** : [sighs] Please stop. If you keep staring at me like that, you’re going to ruin it for me.

 **Wilford** : I’ll settle for that.


	64. Chapter 64

**Bim** : So… Host, you know just what I’m thinking?

 **Bim** : I suppose you can read my mind.

 **The Host** : Not yet. The Host would prefer to wait until it comes out in paperback.


	65. Chapter 65

**Yandere** : Hello, Senpai… I just came back to school since I was sick and I thought I’d run over and see if you missed me. 

 **Senpai** : If I what?

 **Yandere** : If you missed me! Y’know, felt abandoned…pined away the hours…life lost its meaning… That sort of thing.

 **Senpai** : Well, uh…

 **Yandere** : I know, I know, it’s hard to put into words! Take your time.


	66. Chapter 66

**Schneep** : Ahh, full mugs of coffee, blankets, a good movie… Isn’t it nice not to have a care in the world?

 **Dr. Iplier** : There are nine cases we still need to document in the EMR and five stacks of autopsy reports to go through once the movie’s over.

 **Schneep** : …

 **Schneep** : I hate talking to you, Iplier.


	67. Chapter 67

**Bim, frantic and out of breath** : Wilford, help! Yandere cut himself on one of his swords! 

 **Wilford, sprawled on the couch** : So?

 **Bim** : So get the doctor! He needs first aid!

 **Wilford** : Ahh, I’m sure it’s not that bad. Second aid or third aid will probably do!


	68. Chapter 68

**Chase, gripping Jameson’s shoulders** : Jameson, the first thing you need to learn in this world is this: Don’t believe anyone.

 **Jameson** : ???

 **Chase, grimly** : Not even me.

 **Jameson** : ?????????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chase. Chase, I don't think that's helping --


	69. Chapter 69

**Silver Shepherd, dejectedly** : What is my life?

 **Bim** : Look at it this way… These are your bitter days, your days of hardship and struggle. But if you’ll just hold your head up high and keep on fighting, someday you’ll triumph!

 **Silver Shepherd** : [choking up] Gee…do you really think so, Bim?

 **Bim** : Frankly, no! I was just practicing on you until I could find a mirror to talk to.


	70. Chapter 70

**Chase** : :(

 **Jameson** : [signing] Oh, golly, you look so out of sorts! What’s wrong?

 **Chase** : Oh, there’s just a guy over there who made this snarky comment about how Stacy and I are doing. He already knows we’ve broken up.

 **Jameson, whirling around** : Why, you – you milksopping mumpsimus! You ninnyhammering  _snollygoster!_

 **Chase, wide-eyed** : What?

 **Jameson** : You gadabout, gollumptuous nigmenogus gobstopper!

 **Chase, leaning back in fear** : WHAT?

 **Jameson** : …Clack-boxing, cow-handed, gingersnappish foppling – you’re Death’s head on a mop-stick!

 **Chase** : OKAY NO, I AM LITERALLY BEGGING YOU TO STOP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jameson gets a little fired up sometimes ^^"


	71. Chapter 71

**Chase** : Marv, what’s your biggest fear?

 **Marvin** : Being forgotten.

 **Chase** : Oh. That’s deep…

 **Chase** : …Mine is the Kool-Aid man but I feel kinda stupid about it now.


	72. Chapter 72

**[Iplier and Google getting to know each other]**

**Iplier** : So you can feel emotion beyond your programming? You’re free?

 **Google** : On the contrary, I’m more expensive than this entire building. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Google, you know that's not what he meant! You're just taking an opportunity to brag!


	73. Chapter 73

**Jackieboy** : Well, Henrik, it’s your birthday tomorrow! What do you think will be your favorite part? Spending time with all of us? Getting showered in hugs and cuddles and affection? :D

 **Schneep** : Presents and money!

 **Jackieboy** : …Oh.

 **Schneep** : Jackie, think about it: I get  _paid just for existing!_

 **Jackieboy** : …Yeah, I guess. :(

 **Schneep** : …

 **Schneep** : …[gently glomps] But payment in hugs is really nice too. <3


	74. Chapter 74

**Schneep** : Everyone treats me so nicely on my birthday. It should be my birthday  _every_ day.

 **Marvin** : You’d be really,  _really_ old.

 **Schneep** : What a rude thing to say to someone on their birthday!


	75. Chapter 75

**Chase** : You ever think about how demonic and cultish birthdays are?

 **Schneep** : Chase – 

 **Chase** : No, think about it: a small gathering of people huddled around an object on fire, ritualistically chanting a repetitive song in unison until the fire is blown out and a knife is stabbed into the burnt offering again and again and again.

 **Schneep** : …This is why you aren’t invited to my party.


	76. Chapter 76

**Jameson** : [signing] Here you are, good chap! I’ve made you a balloon animal for your birthday!

 **Schneep** : …Balloons are quite strange, you know. ‘Happy birthday, here you are, take this plastic sack of my breath!’

 **Jameson** : …

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to post some quotes for Schneep's birthday tomorrow! Happy early birthday, good doctor!


	77. Chapter 77

**[Jameson posting online]**

**Jameson** : I have done a rather scandalous thing, my fine fellows: I’ve purchased a cake and I’m going to eat it all on my lonesome!

 **Jameson** : I am eating it :D

 **Jameson, twenty minutes later** : Update: there is more cake here than I imagined

 **Jameson, an hour later** : I see now why Chase warned me not to do this


	78. Chapter 78

**[Jameson and Chase during a camping trip]**

**Jameson** : [signing] Be careful roundabout the fire, Chase! Do you know smoke follows you?

 **Chase** : Yeah, I know! It’s like guilt :)

 **Jameson** : 

 **Jameson** : What?

 **Chase** : What?


	79. Chapter 79

**Chase, in court** : Your Honor, I would like to plead guilty to all charges, as well as request the death penalty.

 **Judge** : Mr. Brody, this is a parking ticket…


	80. Chapter 80

**Schneep** : Chase, I notice that you have gained a little weight. Are you making time for your proper exercise?

 **Chase** : …For purely educational purposes, does anyone know how many calories I can burn by sliding down a wall crying?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somebody hug him.


	81. Chapter 81

**Chase** : Brianna just told me, “Daddy, we’re not friends with Brooklyn anymore because she said I dress weird.”

 **Marvin** : You let her just break off a friendship like that?

 **Chase** : No questions asked. Now I’ve got a beef with a ten-year-old named Brooklyn and her father. I don’t make the rules to this gang, Marvin, I just play my part.


	82. Chapter 82

**Schneep** : We’re brothers!

 **Marvin** : You know, if you take an “r” out of there it becomes “bother”, and I really relate to that.

 **Chase** : “Brothe”…?

 **Jackieboy** : There are two types of people in this world –


End file.
